-----(MATURE HUMOUR)-----LMFAO WAR JOKES-----(MATURE HUMOUR)-----

[S3R63NTJ0K3R]

A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time
and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen
lesson & music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and through the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look
at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your loving so much !"

The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."

[S3R63NTJ0K3R]

A man was being interviewed for a job.

"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both
testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential
treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with
you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit
around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

[S3R63NTJ0K3R]

A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were
discussing who had the toughest men. The army general says, "Alright,
I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over
here!"
       
The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
       
The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"
       
Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
       
The general says, "See? That man has balls!"
       
The marine general says, That's nothing. Private, get over here!"
       
The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?"
       
The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and
then kill yourself."
       
Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows
away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
       
The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!"
       
The admiral says, "That's nothing."
       
He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off
that tower!"
       
The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?"
       
The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"
       
The seaman replies, "Fuck you, sir!"
       
The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains
too!"

[S3R63NTJ0K3R]

The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many

Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to

three of them.  They called Congress and asked them to vote

on a method of determining each General's early retirement

bonus.  After voting Congress decided that each man would

choose two points of their body to measure between and then

each man would be paid $10,000 per inch.


They called in the first General.  He decide to have

them measure from the top of his head to the bottom of his

feet.  Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $720,000.


The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretched

his arms above his head, and asked them to measure from the

tips of his fingers, to the bottom of his feet.  After

measuring 8 feet, they paid him $960,000.



The next General, with a smug look on his face, asked

them to measure from the tip of his penis to the bottom of

his balls.  Congress decided to call in a medical officer.

The medical officer asked the General to drop his pants. 

The medical officer lifted the General's penis to make the measurement, but instead he exclaimed, "Good God man, where are your balls!!" 

With a smile the General said, "I left them in Vietnam."

[S3R63NTJ0K3R]

The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field.
As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: "Sir, look up
into the sky and tell me what you see."

The CO said "I see millions of stars."

1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells
me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologic ally, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"

1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

[S3R63NTJ0K3R]

An Indian army officer was shouting at his drunk Gurkha soldier!

The Officer: "Bahadur! You drunk donkey! If you wouldn't drink that much Desi, you could be captain! "

Bahadur: "Yes, Major. You know, last time I drank 4 times as much and I felt like a general!"